Dear Men – Unless You’re Transgender Male, Then I’m So Sorry,
There is a whole world out there you will never experience. This isn’t feminist or angry… maybe a little angry; I’m super jealous of your dicks and sacks. These are the things we women like to refer to as girl things or lady business or you know…, and you cringe and say “oh, okay.” This world is shrouded in mystery. I like to refer to it as the world my uterus reigns over with iron fist.
Here is a list of a few things you will never experience and I wish I never had:
- Your first tampon. I grew up in the know about sex, periods, and all the essentials, yet I was still baffled as how to put it in… and how to take it out.
- Tampons in general. Unless you have a vagina, you just don’t understand.
- Once, part of the plastic applicator got left behind without being noticed. I was in a great deal of discomfort until I pulled it out and realized the oops.
- Losing tampons inside yourself. Don’t ask me how. I know not the ways these things happen, but they do.
- Trying to take out a dry tampon. Ouch.
- Being in the middle of nowhere on a roadtrip with no hope of a gas station… Let’s just say, I’ve totally been driving in the middle of nowhere and put a tampon in because what else was I to do?
- Trying to figure out the age a doctor will allow you to have a hysterectomy.
- Calculating the cost of a back alley hysterectomy once you figured out you have twenty years til a doctor will consider letting you get a hysterectomy in a clean, licensed hospital by an actual doctor.
- Having to air out yoga pants.
- Trying to work while the claws of a thousand demons tear at your uterus.
- Wondering how you can lose so much blood and not be dead.
- Are two days late on your period and are panicking about being pregnant, but it’s been 18 months since you last had sex. You know… it could be Jesus. It happened once.
- Men never wanting to talk about the horrors happening in my underpants every month.
- Wondering if you’re just damp or bloody.
- Being on your period and no one having tampons or pads, so you shove toilet paper in your hoo-ha to make do.
- Roadtripping on your period, bleeding through your pants, and underwear… so you change in the car and wave to the truck driver passing by who looks confused as fuck.
- Having such a bad period it is completely debilitating for ten days, but doctors don’t believe you saying you’ll grow out of it. Hi, I’m grown.
- Being on your period feeling bloated enough to take pregnancy pictures.
P.S. I’m totally on my period right now, and this is basically a stream of consciousness.