Friendship, in general, has never come easily to me. Female friendship has all but eluded me completely.
SquadGoals is a thing. I don’t partake because it’s not who I am. I’ve never been comfortable in groups of people, even if I know every single person in the group. I’m a one-on-one kind of girl. My squad probably consists of three maximum. I do, however, like that #SquadGoals trends. We have put such an emphasis on #RelationshipGoals (romantic context) throughout history, platonic friendship is often overlooked and vastly underappreciated. Let SquadGoals take over. I want to see your friend-love.
I, myself, never knew the true importance of female friendship until my best friend entered my life a little over three years ago. Don’t get me wrong, I have never been friendless. I just never had one person I could cyclically turn to who wasn’t my boyfriend. I had friends of all shapes and sizes who entered and exited my life at their convenience. There was never the deep emotional connection. This probably has a lot to do with the fact I am so guarded, seldom letting people in. No one was ever given the chance to prove they could be a true friend. Looking back, there are several people I wish I would have given them the chance or tried harder to stay connected to them when distance inserted itself or reached out to people I could have been close to. I’m hoping to remedy this someday. I do have a few tomorrows ahead of me, hopefully. Luckily, I have done a little better in the mean time, and I enjoy a few close female friendships now.
There is only one Kelsey, though. I am lucky to share my life with the truest of female friends. A complicated, happy, emotional rollercoaster of a relationship I will gladly never leave for the rest of my life. I have no idea where I would be without Kelsey. We have other friends in varying degrees of closeness, but we are each other’s person. She is the last person I talk to every day, and usually the first. We call often, and see one another as much as we can. We vacation together and stay at home together. I don’t have an iPhone, so we Duo -it’s great you should get it. We get pedicures. We go shopping rarely. We go eat often. Explore everything. Talk constantly. Read. Watch TV. We live exactly 1,070 miles from each other front-door to front-door; yes, I looked it up before I even moved. I will plan my life around her. The dream is to enjoy a flat with a cat (rhymes) and a dog in Europe together enjoying enough money to eat our way around the world. Time will tell on this one. We are yin and yang. She’s art history and I’m language and literature through a historical lens. We can fill the gaps in each others’ knowledge. It helps when working on projects to bounce ideas around.
The thing is, there has only ever been two people I’ve never hid a thing from. Unfortunately, the first has become a bit distanced from me. Kelsey has remained steadfast. Throughout my life, I constantly wait for people to leave, but here that fear doesn’t creep in. We tease neither can leave because we both know too much, or we’re too codependent to survive on our own. The deeper reality is: we found an incredibly synergistic partnership. I don’t even think of her has my best friend anymore. It’s deeper. She’s a sister, a partner. She’s a part of me. When I need something or feel something or wonder about something or confused or hurt or tired or unsure or happy or awed or excited, she is the person I reach for.
Kelsey has brought a meaning and a peace into my life I had never experienced before. There had been a deep echoing silence in my soul filled with self-doubt and loneliness when a freshman sat down in the library to change my life forever with her constant love and support helping to end my solitude and mend my doubts by being herself asking me to be myself everyday letting me know it’s enough.