Technology has never been something I’m good at, but it is something I have come to embrace and enjoy. I’ve had a Facebook since 2006, so damn near ten years. I was raped for the first time in 2008 and for the last time in 2013, which is solidly after the first time I signed into Facebook. I have just started embracing the wonder of Timehop, though.
Timehop is a beautiful thing. In the spring, it reminded me of my adventures in France five years ago. In the summer, it showed me all my touristing in London I had three years ago. Lately, it’s been reminding me of the fun I had my senior year as my best friend and I fell in platonic love two years ago. It has reminded me of loves and friendships and trips and so many things I’ve forgotten about over the years. It’s a beautiful blast through the past.
Here’s the crappy thing about Timehop: there are five years where my life wasn’t as happy as it looked on Facebook. Sometimes, most days, it’s not always easy looking through Timehop because I posted one thing, and I’m reminded of something else.
Facebook may have shown a picture of a happy family memory or cute little status, but that’s not what I remember about the day. I’m glad I didn’t start using the app until this year. I have a good handle on my PTSD, now. I won’t go spiraling out of control if I remember the day I was raped up against a tree in my favorite park or my mom yelled down the stairs to be quieter as my boyfriend raped me on the couch. I don’t remember tons from my last two years of high school. What I do remember is hazy and blends together. I’ve been remembering things more and more in the last three years as I have come to terms and heal. Timehop has excellerated the remembering process tremendously. They’re not easy memories to be reminded of, and once upon a time I loathed having flashbacks. Now, I don’t welcome it, but I don’t live in fear of it anymore. It is a part of me. I’ve learned not knowing can be just as hard as knowing.
Timehop for me is a constant trigger warning. If I’m having a bad day or I’m on edge, I just ignore the litte reminder to check. Technology is fantastic, but it also makes my life a little harder in small, inconspicuous ways. Surviving rape isn’t just surviving the event, it is surviving every day after.