Unashamed Truths of a Middle Class Twenty Something

I'm figuring it out as I go.

The C Word

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I don’t really know how to write about me and committment. If you know me, you know I fucking suck at it while concurrently being absolutely incredible at it.

I have had two very long committed relationship. One was two years with my rapey boyfriend… Good times. The second, REAL, relationship was with my college boyfriend. We were together three years, but lived with each other even after we broke up.

  • I am one of the most committed, loyal, caring girlfriends a guy could ever have. (If a guy can coerce me to commit.)
  • When I’m single. I’m really single. I will date five guys at the same time. Why not? I’m young. I’m honest. I’m not hurting anyone.

People who have gotten to know me over the last year and half cannot see me committing or being exclusive because they know how completely independent and unruly I truly am. People who knew me through my whole college career can’t see me as anything but in a seriously, committed relationship. I wasn’t just me; I was one half of a relationship that was simply meant to be.

I’ve never been the one to initiate the “let’s be exclusive” conversation. Usually I put it off or say “I’m not ready yet” or “I like how things are right now” or “I want to make sure” or “Oh that question.” Basically this is my bullshit response for “I will not now nor ever be your girlfriend, but I like you enough to keep hanging out and kissing you. Please don’t make me end this cause it’s kind of fun, or I’m bored and you’re the best of the bad options.”

I don’t like committment. I have the worst committment issues. People just don’t realize it because I have been in a long and wonderful relationship. The problem is the best years of my life were the years I was in my college relationship. Not because I was in a relationship, but because I was in a relationship with my best friend. My best friend who helped me be me and pushed me to be a better me.

My committment issues stem from:
A) My past. It’s hard to commit when I’ve been hurt and abused by so many men. How can I trust someone after that? I’ll tell you: it’s super fucking hard. Relationships require complete trust. Most every man I have trusted has hurt me either emotionally or physically and sometimes both. To try to form a trust with someone new after YEARS of hurt becomes harder and harder. To make myself vulnerable to someone new has become damn near impossible, and I truly mean impossible.
B) My last relationship was incredible. I don’t want to get into just a mediocre relationship when I’ve had an ideal relationship. I know what I want. I know what I expect. I’m not going to settle for less. It’s not fair to me. It’s not fair to the new guy. I don’t want to hurt someone if I know from the start it’s not going to work. I don’t want to let him give his all when I’m laissez-faire about the entire situation.

I’m not jaded; I’m just picky. Ok, I’m incredibly jaded, but I’m also picky.


Author: Midwestern Twenty Something

RaeAnna is a wanderer on a mission; though, she's not always sure what that mission is. Taking on adulthood with a sense of humor, a book, and her dog, she's ready to conquer the world. Unafraid to celebrate her faults or photograph her tumbles, she aims to help people see life as an ever-rolling, lopsided wheel instead of the perfectly manicured and Instagrammably stationary square we wish it were.

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