Before I started blogging, people always approached me talking about how spectacular my life is. For myself and those around me who knew the truth, we were all a little baffled. I am a complete mess. Most days I’m doing my best to not completely fall apart. How in the world did everyone think I lived this perfect life?
Here’s the reason. Most everyone sees what I post on Facebook and that is how they “really” know me. I think I can count on one hand how many times I made a status about a bad day in the eight years I’ve participated in social media. Let me tell you, if I posted about it… I was drowning in pain. You would never know, though!!! How would you? I cried in the shower so my boyfriend wouldn’t even know.
My wall is filled with pictures of happy pictures, silly statuses, achievements, the daily drudge, and what most people remember are my big, frequent travels. Let’s be honest, most people’s walls are filled with similar things.
People always commented about how exciting, happy, and perfect my life is. Jeez! I wish my life felt the way it looks on Facebook. The thing is, unless it’s on my blog… I don’t post unhappy things about myself. I don’t need to weigh others down with unpleasantness. Those are my problems and no one else’s. It’s not just me, though. Everyone is guilty of this. Unless I talk to you on a regular basis, I have NO IDEA WHAT IS ACTUALLY HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE!!! I don’t know if you’re struggling or thriving. I’m guilty of looking at certain people’s Facebooks and thinking: “Holy shit! I wish I had their life. It’s so perfect and amazing and a fairytale, and here I am trying to figure out what shoes to wear and then decide I’d rather flop in bed and watch Netflix instead. What the fuck am I doing wrong in comparison to them?”
We don’t do it on purpose. At least, I don’t. I just don’t like people knowing my real-life business (ironic since I’m writing about all the most personal things in my life for the world to read). Just like when we take pictures, we like to put our best side forward. I mean people have made careers out of helping people put their best self out there… Maybe I should look into PR, I had you all fooled for a long time. I put my best side forward on Facebook, but I let my worst/darkest sides loose on here. That’s not all of who I am. I have this ridiculously silly side too! I’ve been told I should do twitter for that side… I’ve never done it. Thoughts? Would you guys care? I mean I have some ridiculous things to say…
Here’s the thing. Now that I’ve been blogging so many people are only seeing the really sad part of my life. Quite honestly, I don’t like being known as the girl who got raped a whole bunch. I put my story out there to help bring about change and awareness, to be a voice, to tell you I’m not just a statistic, and mostly to help people. The only downside is I want to be known for all parts of me and not just the fact I am a survivor. I am so many other things as well. I’m ridiculous, shy, hard-working, charismatic, bitchy, opinionated, caring, helpful, intellectual, cultured, maternal, rebellious, classy, raunchy, down-to-earth, talented, dreamy, and so much more. (If you have to take one thing away from all social media and all of my over sharing is that I am strong, but take what you will.) I, like everyone, am so many things at once. I am full of nuances and contradictions. I want people to see those. I want to see those in other people. That’s what makes us each so special. I wish I had the time to get to know everyone in my life. Not just the basics: hometown, eye color, favorite food. I want to know the tough stuff. The stuff that truly makes us different. I want to know your successes and your failures. Where you hurt the most, where I can’t go and why, who broke your heart, who mended your soul. I want to know the stories you won’t put up on Facebook; the stories only those close to you know. Show me that side.
This blog is letting me get to know people in that way. My opening up and sharing my pain, has let me get to know so many wonderful things about so many wonderful people, who probably would have never let me in otherwise. If you need to talk to someone, but don’t know who. I’m here. I will listen. Call me, message me, text me. I don’t care if it seems silly or is something that’s weighed on you for decades. I will listen. If you need to be heard, I will hear you. No one should feel like I did. Drowning in pain and loneliness. You aren’t alone.